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Traditional American Values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods. --George Carlin
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I like Florida: everything is in the eighties: the temperature, the ages, and the IQs. --George Carlin
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My parents moved to Florida --they didn't want to, but they're in the sixties, and that's the law. --Jerry Seinfeld
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Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. --Ross MacDonald
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Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
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Nebraska is the only state where the residents breathe underwater. --Nicole Griffin, on the humidity
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Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife. --Margaret Halsey
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No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people. --H.L. Mencken
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American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
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America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. --Bobcat Goldthwait
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In this country you are guilty until proven wealthy. –Bill Maher
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All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. --Pat Paulsen
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollar’s worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. –Henry Youngman
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The Native Americans say that gambling hasn’t affected their native culture. I heard that directly from Chief Double Down. –Buzz Nutley
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I’m originally from the Ozarks. Not everyone in the Ozarks lives in a trailer park. There’s a huge waiting list. –Nancy Norton
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England and America are two countries separated by the same language. --George Bernard Shaw
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The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: "There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia." --Dave Barry
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Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. --Lenny Bruce
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What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. --George Carlin
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In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he’s lonely. --Rich Hall
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Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. -Robert Orden
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America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. --Bobcat Goldthwait
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Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. --Richard Lewis
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George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. --George Carlin
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This country loves guns, we even have salad shooters. This country thinks that salad is too peaceable, you have to find some way to shoot it. --Bill Maher
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It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. --Mark Twain
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The Native Americans say that gambling hasn't affected their native culture. I heard that directly from Chief Double Down. -Buzz Nutley
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Tennessee passed a road kill law that makes it legal for motorists to eat anything they run over. And in Nashville, Denny's introduced its new Pontiac Grand Am Breakfast. -Jay Leno
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