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Traditional American Values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.  --George Carlin

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I like Florida: everything is in the eighties: the temperature, the ages, and the IQs.  --George Carlin

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My parents moved to Florida --they didn't want to, but they're in the sixties, and that's the law.  --Jerry Seinfeld

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Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.  --Ross MacDonald

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American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.

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Nebraska is the only state where the residents breathe underwater.  --Nicole Griffin, on the humidity

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Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife.  --Margaret Halsey

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No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.  --H.L. Mencken

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Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.  --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

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America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.  --Bobcat Goldthwait

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