1

I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the Three Stooges?  --Larry Reeb

2

I have a guard dog that's half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip.  --Craig Shoemaker

3

I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze.  --Anthony Clark

4

I like driving around with my two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make them wear little hats so I can use the carpool lanes.  --Monica Piper

5

My favorite animal is steak.  --Fran Lebowitz

6

There is nothing funny about dogs playing poker. There is nothing remotely cute about animals with gambling problems. If you look closely at those paintings, you can tell that most of those dogs are playing with money they can't afford to lose. And sadder still, it takes seven of their dollars to make one of ours.  --Dennis Miller

7

Free Puppies -  1/2 cocker, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog   --Sign in the Mesaba Airlines mechanics' lounge

8

Guys, am I a rooster or a hen?   --Liane Brinkman, trying to figure out the restrooms at a restaurant

9

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money.  --Joe Weinstein

10

Other dogs look at French poodles and wonder if they are members of a weird religious cult.       --Rita Rudner

11

So it turns out catapults aren't supposed to be used on cats. Oh, well, live and learn. --Scott E. Frank

12

Things that upset a Terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. --Smiley Blanton

13

The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.  --Woody Allen

14

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.  --Garrison Keillor

15

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

16

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.   --Jack Handey

17

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.  --Robert Benchley

18

Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets.  --British government report on why cod fish are disappearing from the North Sea.

19

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.  --Mark Twain

20

In dog years I'm dead.  --Unknown