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The first time I walked into a trophy shop, I looked around and thought to myself, 'This guy is good!'   --Fred Wolf

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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.  -- Steven Wright

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Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.  --Scott Roeben

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I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.   --Jack Benny

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