1

I adopted a baby. I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.  --Margaret Smith

2

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.   --Sam Stevenson

3

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.  --Steven Wright

4

Shouldn't there by some kind of relationship between how much a baby eats and how much comes out the other end? It's like at the circus, where they've got the tiny VW Bug but the clowns just keep coming out and out and out ... Eventually you learn to hold your breath like a Hokkaido pearl diver.  --Dennis Miller

5

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.   --Elayne Boosler

6

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.  --Henny Youngman

7

My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.  --Rodney Dangerfield

8

Anyone who uses the phrase "As easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

9

Babies don't need vacations, but I still see them at the beach.   --Steven Wright

10

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. --Gracie Allen

11

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.  --Groucho Marx

12

Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS

13

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.  --Tina Fey

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