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When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.  --Jonathan Katz

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I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, "Hey, you play with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing those."  --Laura Silverman

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My wife and I have many things in common, the greatest of which is that we are both afraid of the children.   --Bill Cosby

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I get those maternal feelings, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote. "Boy, a kid would be nice right now."  --Kathleen Madigan

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My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M's, jujubes, Sweetarts. I don't think they wanted a child, I think they wanted a pinata.  --Wendy Liebman

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When I was eleven, I wasn't shooting people.  --Todd Perry, on reading about a youth convicted of murder at age eleven

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I'm the oldest child, and my parents experimented with different parenting styles on us.  I came out more on the spanking end of it and my little brother came out on the "here's some cash" end of it.   --Jenny Larsen

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We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.   --Steven Wright

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My parents were too poor to have children, so the neighbors had me.   --Buddy Hackett

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Did you ever read that book Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten? I learned only two things in kindergarten: First, if someone has something you want, you can remove it from them physically. And second, Elmer's glue makes a great between-meals snack.  --Gary Barkin

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Child make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.   --Fran Lebowitz

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Children are a great comfort in your old age; and they help you reach it faster, too.  --Lady Bird Johnson

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If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, “Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl?  You must have me mixed up with THAT dork." and point to another father.   --Jack Handey

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Children need encouragement.  If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess.  That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.   --Jack Handey

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It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.  --Jack Handey

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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.  --Jack Handey

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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, No," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.  --Jack Handey

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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."   --Jack Handey

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I remember when we were kids, one of our favorite games was to play "pirate." We'd dress up like pirates. Then we'd go find an adult walking down the street and we'd go up to him and pull out our butcher knives, which we called "swords," and say, "We're pirates! Give us your money!" A lot of adults would pretend to be scared and give us their money. Others would suddenly run away, yelling for help. We played pirate until we were twenty or so.  --Jack Handey

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