1

My friend Larry's in jail now. He got twenty-five years for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.   --Damon Wayans

2

Apparently, O.J. Simpson is taking correspondence courses to become a lawyer. I think that's a great idea. He's going to save so much money on his next murder.  --David Letterman

3

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.  --Jack Handey

4

If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it. --Jack Handey

5

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.   -- David Letterman

6

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.  --Johnny Carson

7

Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.  --Woody Guthrie

8

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. --Elayne Boosler

9

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day. --Robert Frost

10

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?   --George Carlin

11

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.  --Rodney Dangerfield

12

A Pennsylvania woman convicted for shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads "Convicted Shoplifter." However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing!"  --Jimmy Fallon

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