1

I don't mind death --I just don't want to be there when it happens.  --Woody Allen

2

My uncle was a clown for the Ringling Brothers Circus, and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car.  --Steven Wright

3

I was thinking of committing suicide but I have a tendency to procrastinate, so I just kept putting it off. They say procrastination is a bad thing, but it saved my life.  --Shashi Bhatia

4

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.   --Clarence Darrow

5

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.   --Mark Twain

6

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the stilts? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.  --Jack Handey

7

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

8

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.  -- Barbara Boxer, Senator

9

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.  --Winston Churchill

10

He would make a lovely corpse. - Charles Dickens

11

I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later."  --Jack Handey

12

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.  No, wait, not me, you.   --Jack Handey

13

I drank what?? --Socrates

14

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.   --Jack Handey

15

If you're a young Mafia gangster on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.  --Jack Handey

16

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."  --Jack Handey

17

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.  -- Johnny Carson

18

I didn't know he was dead. I thought he was British. 

19

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.  --W. Somerset Maugham

20

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.  --Yogi Berra