1

I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong --highlighting with a black magic marker.   --Jeff Altman

2

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.   --Jack Handey

3

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.   –Jay Mohr

4

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?  --Warren Hutcherson

5

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?  --John Mendoza

6

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."  --Steven Wright

7

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk?  That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class.  Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.  --Jack Handey

8

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.  --Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell

9

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.  --Mark Twain

10

Learning at some schools is like drinking from a fire hose.

11

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.  --Jack Handey

12

You learn how to wash clothes different in college. At home you have "colors," "whites," "delicate" ...in college, it's "dirty," DIRTY!" and "funky."   --Sinbad

13

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class.  It's just too rich a subject.   --Jack Handey

14

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, then Jumping Off Something.   --Jack Handey

15

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?  --Jack Handey

16

I don't pretend to have all the answers.  I don't pretend to even know what the questions are.  Hey, where am I?   --Jack Handey

17

When I was in the third grade, a bully at school started beating me up, every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told Dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know, but he still seemed scared, and just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me if anybody picked on me not to fight back, unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise, he said, "Just curl up in a ball."  --Jack Handey

18

A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.   --W.H.Auden 

19

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

20

On one occasion a student burst into his office.  "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."  To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."