1
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me --I'm afraid of widths. --Steven Wright
2
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. --Steven Wright
3
I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately. The other day my mood ring exploded. –Janine DiTullio
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That one scared me. I think I broke wind. --Fireworks spectator
5
"My condolences." "Thanks. Put 'em over there." --Bill Congdon
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I'd blush if I had the blood pressure. --Mark Mason
7
When I was little I was scared of the PBS logo. --Sara Hansen
8
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. --Jack Handey
9
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. --Woody Allen
10
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. --Jack Handey
11
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight. --Jack Handey
12
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." --Jack Handey
13
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather? --Jack Handey
14
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags? --Jack Handey
15
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it. The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house. "THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said. Oh, my mistake. --Jack Handey
16
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. --Jack Handey
17
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet. --Jack Handey
18
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. --Jack Handey
19
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me. --Jack Handey
20
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised. --Jack Handey
21
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. --Jack Handey
22
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby!" --Jack Handey
23
Laughter is an instant vacation. --Milton Berle
24
What started out to be a nice pleasant drive in the country turned into the "Afternoon from Hell." First of all, when Marta and I were leaving, the cats looked at us like, "Where are you going?" Then, when we were driving, we had to stop and get gas. So right there that's time taken away from looking at the scenery. Then, when we get home, guess what the cats are doing? Sleeping! Man, what next? --Jack Handey
25
If you're trying to remember a happy memory, don't think back to a time when you were ALSO thinking of a happy memory, because man, how long does this go on?! --Jack Handey
26
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
27
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python
28
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it. --Rex Reed
29
Harold Wilson is going around the country stirring up apathy. --William Whitelaw
30
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. --Scott Adams
31
TO HELL WITH YOU --OFFENSIVE LETTER FOLLOWS --Anonymous telegram to Sir Alec Douglas
32
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. --Ingrid Bergman
33
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming. --Jack Handey
34
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
35
The world is full of apathy, but I don't care.
36
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. --Oscar Wilde
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The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality. --Douglas Porter
38
I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it. --Clint Eastwood
39
I don’t have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation. –Whoopie Goldberg
40
Trust your first impressions. It seems that thinking only confuses you.