1

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me --I'm afraid of widths.   --Steven Wright

2

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.  --Steven Wright

3

I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately. The other day my mood ring exploded. –Janine DiTullio

4

That one scared me. I think I broke wind.  --Fireworks spectator

5

"My condolences." "Thanks. Put 'em over there."  --Bill Congdon

6

I'd blush if I had the blood pressure.   --Mark Mason

7

When I was little I was scared of the PBS logo.  --Sara Hansen

8

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.   --Jack Handey

9

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.  --Woody Allen

10

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.   --Jack Handey

11

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.  --Jack Handey

12

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.  For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula.  The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off.  He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."  --Jack Handey

13

What am I afraid of?  I'll tell you: a feather.  that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say.  That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer.  First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?  --Jack Handey

14

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?  --Jack Handey

15

I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town.  But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it.  The meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house.  "THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said.  Oh, my mistake.  --Jack Handey

16

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.   --Jack Handey

17

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.  --Jack Handey

18

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.  --Jack Handey

19

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.  --Jack Handey

20

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.  --Jack Handey