1

Part of me will never leave Vegas... the part of me that had little president heads on it, and goes in your wallet.   --Tom Gerding

2

Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?  --Jack Handey

3

To all those people who said my show wouldn't last, I have one thing to say, "Good call!"  --Jon Stewart

4

Remember when Sinead O'Connor tore up that picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live? Think about it:  A little bald guy in a dress is attacked on national television by another little bald guy in a dress.  –Margaret Cho

5

I like craps. Learn craps before you go.  Good game.  You can lose so slowly, it's almost like winning!   --Tom Gerding

6

I see a party in the works, no matter what.   --Ben Cramer

7

The Fox and the Hound. Gut-wrenching movie.   --Fred Wiles

8

They should make a sequel to Four Weddings and a Funeral and call it Four Baby Showers and a Housewarming.   --Lori Marsh

9

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.  --Jack Handey

10

I'd like to see a guy tap-dancing so fast his legs actually broke, because it would finally establish a "tap barrier," and we could move on from there.  --Jack Handey

11

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.  --Jack Handey

12

I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood.  I don't know why we should do this, but my Gosh, we've got to try something.  --Jack Handey

13

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise."  She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left.  I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.  --Jack Handey

14

Let's be honest: isn't a lot of what we call tap-dancing really just nerves?  --Jack Handey

15

You know it's not a good wax museum when there are wicks coming out of people's heads.  --Rick Reynolds

16

The Hollywood tradition that I like best is called “sucking up to the stars."  --Johnny Carson

17

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.  --Robin Williams

18

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.  --Bob Hope

19

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.  --Woody Allen

20

This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country.  --Clint Eastwood