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My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a mathematician, my brother is a chemical engineer --and I like to color.    --Shashi Bhatia

2

My father wore the pants in the family --at least, after the court order.  --Vernon Chatman

3

We asked Dad if we could have a trampoline, but he said no, that they were too dangerous and too expensive. But then we went and talked to the trampoline salesman at the store, and he said they weren't too expensive or dangerous. I think I'm still sorta mad at Dad for lying to us like that.  --Jack Handey

4

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.  --Mark Twain

5

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. --Henny Youngman

6

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best.  We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us.  Later on we found out he was a bear.  --Jack Handey

7

Nobody loves me like my mother, and she could be jivin’, too.   --B.B. King

8

Mother, food, love, and career are the four major guilt groups.  --Cathy Guisewite

9

Grandpa used to describe the size of everything in terms of a calf. For instance, if he was describing a large dog, he would say it was "about as big as a calf." Or about a car, he would say it "could seat four calves comfortably." (Oh, that was another thing: how many calves could ride in something). One time he was talking about a calf he had, and I asked him how big it was. He said it was "about three-quarters as big as a calf." Sometimes Grandpa would tell time by calves. If you asked him how long something would take, he'd say, "About as long as it takes a calf to drive over here."   --Jack Handey

10

The day my mother-in-law called, the mice threw themselves on the traps.  --Les Dawson

11

I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on.  "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou.  "Don't move!" screamed Grandma.  But Grandpa wouldn't listen.  He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly.  I forget what happened after that.  --Jack Handey

12

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot -- but I always found them.   --Rodney Dangerfield

13

One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.  --Jack Handey

14

I'll never forget the time we were at the beach and we buried Uncle Joe in the sand. Boy, did we get in trouble! In fact, we got arrested. It turns out you can't bury people at the beach. Only at the cemetery.  --Jack Handey

15

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.  --Dick Cavett

16

I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help.  Who was that guy?! Oh, well, never saw HIM again.  --Jack Handey

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