1

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.   --Phyllis Diller

2

I went on that new fourteen-day diet, and all I lost was two weeks.  --Sheila Kay

3

Forget low fat. My father used to take them hamburgers right off the grill, 95 percent fat, the other 5 percent lighter fluid.  --Jack Coen

4

McDonald's "breakfast for under a dollar" actually costs a lot more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery.  --George Carlin

5

This country loves guns, we even have salad shooters. This country thinks that salad is too peaceable, you have to find some way to shoot it.  --Bill Maher

6

I went on a diet. Actually I had to go on two diets at the same time 'cause one diet wasn't giving me enough food.  –Barry Marter

7

We don't like used chicken, er, I mean...  --Will Leif, trying to think of the word 'leftovers'

8

Have you ever been in one of those? A revolving restaurant?  It's like a restaurant on a stick.  --Jessica Zahner

9

For dinner we're having jet exhaust chicken.  --Joe Marsh

10

All kinds of crap on a pancake.  --Jeff Roemhildt, on Ethiopian food

11

What good is apple pie without a little 'stinky feet cheese' on the side?  --Van Allen

12

Pancake for your sorrows?  --Keith Haessly, viewing a news report on a pancake supper for fire victims

13

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.   --Fran Lebowitz

14

I'm on a Valium diet. I take four for breakfast, and the rest of the day the food keeps falling out of my mouth.  --Max Alexander

15

Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.  --Nicole Hollander

16

A favorite dish in Kansas is creamed corn on a stick.   --Jeff Harms

17

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.  --Clarence Darrow

18

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my gosh.…I could be eating a slow learner.  --Lynda Montgomery

19

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. -- Woody Allen

20

Mother, food, love, and career are the four major guilt groups.  --Cathy Guisewite