Fresh Quotes
-01
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Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. |
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The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. --Helen Hayes |
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I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. --Janette Barber |
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Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. --Lily Tomlin |
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If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine |
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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.. --Elayne Boosler |
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Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. --Maryon Pearson- |
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I have to tell the maid to buy diapers and get the pool boy to walk the dog? Can't I just make out with Kevin all the time? Being married sucks. -Britney Spears, complaining in Allure magazine about the responsibilities of family and stepchildren |
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We haven't been able to find out who shot Tupac or Biggie, and we haven't been able to find Osama. So far, the only two criminals we've been able to catch are Martha Stewart and Chong. -Jimmy Kimmel |
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Mel Gibson has re-released The Passion. A very powerful movie. It's basically the same movie, just six minutes shorter. What they did was take out the coffee and dessert at the Last Supper. -David Letterman |
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The Native Americans say that gambling hasn't affected their native culture. I heard that directly from Chief Double Down. -Buzz Nutley |
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My husband is from England and has never seen a football game before. So I could tell him anything I wanted. I told him it was over at halftime. -Rita Rudner |
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I went to a cigarette factory in Kentucky a few years ago, took the tour. The employees there get free smokes. Which pretty much cuts down the pension plan. -Norman K. |
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I'm originally from the Ozarks. Not everyone in the Ozarks lives in a trailer park. There's a huge waiting list. -Nancy Norton |
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Tennessee passed a road kill law that makes it legal for motorists to eat anything they run over. And in Nashville, Denny's introduced its new Pontiac Grand Am Breakfast. -Jay Leno |
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I'm glad earth tones are popular again. It means I don't have to do laundry as often. --Reno Goodale |
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I phoned my dad to tell him I had quit smoking. He called me a quitter. --Steven Pearl |
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My dad is waiting to buy new clothes until he loses weight. So he's still wearing his Cub Scout uniform. --Rita Rudner |
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United Airlines just gave out their Christmas bonuses. Each employee gets five minutes to rifle through passengers' luggage. --Jay Leno |
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20 |
I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls. But the day the rubber was supposed to show up they got a big load of potatoes instead. --Mitch Hedberg |
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INDEX Updated to page 49