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I wanted to buy some carpeting, you know how much they want for carpeting? Fifteen dollars a square yard! And I'm sorry, I'm not going to pay that for carpeting. So what I did, I bought two square yards, and when I got home I strap them to my feet.   --Steve Martin

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You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.  --Zach Galifianakis

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You know how to paint a room real fast?  Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.  --Jack Handey

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Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real hard, because isn't there a saying that if it comes off in your hand, you can rear back and throw it as hard as you can?  I thought I heard that somewhere.  --Jack Handey

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