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The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"  --Jack Handey

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I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.   --Jack Handey

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If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.  --Jack Handey

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If I could come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip.  Even if they smash you, ick, you're all over their lip.   --Jack Handey

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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.  --Emo Phillips

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You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.  --Jack Handey

7

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea?  Getting caught inside a watch somehow.  You don't even care, do you.  --Jack Handey

8

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.   --Jack Handey

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