1

The older you get the lower your standards get. I used to be so picky. Oh, when I get married he's doing to be tall, handsome, rich ..and now I'm down to: registered voter. I'd marry a midget just for the handicapped parking.  --Kathleen Madigan

2

I'd like to get married again, but I'm afraid of that marital commitment --we're talking two, three years of my life.  --Maura Kennedy

3

Marriage is very difficult. Marriage is like a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle --all sky.  --Cathy Ladman

4

John Hinkley is the guy who shot President Reagan. He recently asked the court for more freedom. He says he wants twelve hours a month of unsupervised time. Twelve hours a month to himself. Hey, even married guys don't get that.  --Jay Leno

5

ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn't include weddings and elections.  --Argus Hamilton

6

Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't exactly surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.  --Ellen DeGeneres

7

My wife divorced me because of illness. She got sick of me.  --Anonymous

8

Hollywood brides keep the bouquet and throw away the groom.  --Groucho Marx

9

I'm a firm believer in getting married in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.  --Mickey Rooney

10

Why can't somebody invent something for us to marry besides women.  --Fred Flintstone

11

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions that your wife asks for nothing. –Joey Adams

12

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.  --Tommy Manville

13

My husband says he needs more space. So I locked him outside. --Roseanne

14

In temple I kept hearing Jewish men make good husbands. And I’m thinking, “Then who’s this guy living in my house?” –Betsy Salkind

15

It's relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I'm an idiot.  --Thomas Warren

16

At a wedding, you never hear a man clearly say, “I do,” because we figure we can get out of it later on a technicality. –Sinbad

17

Ladies, you may think you married the man of your dreams… but 15 years later you’re married to a reclining chair that burps. –Roseanne

18

My dad came to my wedding day with this advice, “Son, don’t ever cheat on your wife. You don’t want to risk life’s happiness for eight minutes of pleasure.”  “You’re up to eight minutes?”  --Mark Klein

19

After you’ve been married for a while, the women will start choosing your clothes. If you protest they’ll say, “Dressing is a privilege. You abused it and now you’ve lost it.”  --Cary Long

20

Once a friend of my ex-husband came up to me and said, “Your ex-husband jokes are mean.”  I said, “That may be true, but which among his friends has been cruel enough to explain them to him?”  --Brett Butler