1

Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out.   --Steven Wright

2

I had a cholesterol test:  They found bacon.  --Bob Zany

3

I had a chest X ray last month, and they found a spot on my lungs.
Fortunately, it was barbecue sauce.  --George Carlin

4

I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't want to hear, "Where's my lucky scalpel?"  --Jonathan Katz

5

What's great about aspirin is that no matter how long you suck on it, it never loses its flavor. --Gregg Rogell

6

I tried Slimfast: one delicious shake in the morning and then migraines and diarrhea all day. I hope the Dodgers suffer. Tommy Lasorda selling that stuff. That's why you never see him arguing on the field anymore.  –Elayne Boosler

7

Nancy Reagan has agreed to be the world's first artificial heart donor. –Andrea C. Michaels

8

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.   --Henry Youngman

9

I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford.  --Betsy Salkind

10

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when my prescription ran out.   –Steven Wright

11

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X rays. --Henry Youngman

12

The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.

13

Reports are sketchy, but we have heard that in the first heart transplant operation in Belgium, both patient and donor are doing fine.  --Radio news announcer

14

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. 
--Irvin S. Cobb

15

I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it.  First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk.  After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something.  --Jack Handey

16

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?  --Jack Handey

17

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.  --Jack Handey

18

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.   --Jack Handey

19

If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes.  There, isn't that better?  --Jack Handey

20

If I ever needed a brain transplant, I'd choose a sportswriter because I'd want a brain that had never been used.   --Norm Van Brocklin