1
I wish a bag of money would fall on my head. Even if it hurt. --Deb Varani
2
Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago, my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish. --Tom Ryan
3
No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40 a week. I'm sure it was Einstein who first stated: "Expense equals salary plus forty bucks." --Jeffrey Jena
4
The phase Minimum Wage --What does that do for your self-esteem? Can't we think of something else we can call it? Well, Its Better Than Nothing Wage, or I'm making the At Least I Don't Live in Haiti wage. --David Cross
5
ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn't include weddings and elections. --Argus Hamilton
6
My wife and I got ourselves on every mailing list in the free world. All you have to do is buy one distinctly dumb product you don't need, and everyone with a catalog hears about it. "Hi!" We understand you don't care what you spend your money on anymore." --Paul Reiser
7
They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking the rent.
8
I've reached a stage in poverty that most white people never see. --Derek Schwartz
9
I don't like money, but it quiets my nerves. --Joe Louis
10
The lady at the bank asked, "What do you want on your checks --wildlife, scenery?" I said, "I want a picture of a big, thick-necked guy on my checks. A bouncer --that's what my checks are going to be." --Bob Kubota
11
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. --Paula Poundstone
12
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just whipped out a quarter. --Steven Wright
13
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
14
Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my wages. Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive. --David Henry
15
Wealth is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. --Woody Allen
16
Money doesn't talk, it swears. ‑‑Bob Dylan
17
Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. --Christopher Marlowe
18
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors. --E.C. McKenzie
19
I cannot be bought... but I can be rented. --Don O'Shaughnessy
20
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the heck are you supposed to carry it?! --Jack Handey
21
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. --Jack Handey
22
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! --Jack Handey
23
A dollar saved is a quarter earned. --John Ciardi
24
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. --Jack Handey
25
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. --Emo Phillips
26
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. --Jack Handey
27
Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number. --James Estes
28
I'd rather be rich than stupid. --Jack Handey
29
When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat a fly. He ate the fly, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840. --Jack Handey
30
Money isn't everything: usually it isn't even enough.
31
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. --Jackie Mason
32
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. --Sam Ewing
33
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high. --Jack Handey
34
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. --Dave Barry
35
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby. --Jack Handey
36
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as heck. -- Garry Shandling
37
I remember one night I was walking past Mom and Dad's room when I heard the talking about how they might not have enough money to pay their bills that month. I knew what I had to do. I went and got my piggy bank and buried it in the backyard, where they couldn't get their mitts on it. --Jack Handey
38
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home. -- Gene Perret
39
I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance...she leaned over and pushed me.
40
I.R.S. --We've got what it takes to take what you've got!