1

I wish a bag of money would fall on my head. Even if it hurt.  --Deb Varani

2

Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago, my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish.  --Tom Ryan

3

No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40 a week. I'm sure it was Einstein who first stated:  "Expense equals salary plus forty bucks."  --Jeffrey Jena

4

The phase Minimum Wage --What does that do for your self-esteem? Can't we think of something else we can call it? Well, Its Better Than Nothing Wage, or I'm making the At Least I Don't Live in Haiti wage.  --David Cross

5

ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn't include weddings and elections.  --Argus Hamilton

6

My wife and I got ourselves on every mailing list in the free world. All you have to do is buy one distinctly dumb product you don't need, and everyone with a catalog hears about it.  "Hi!" We understand you don't care what you spend your money on anymore."  --Paul Reiser

7

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking the rent.

8

I've reached a stage in poverty that most white people never see.  --Derek Schwartz

9

I don't like money, but it quiets my nerves.  --Joe Louis

10

The lady at the bank asked, "What do you want on your checks --wildlife, scenery?" I said, "I want a picture of a big, thick-necked guy on my checks. A bouncer --that's what my checks are going to be."   --Bob Kubota

11

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden  name.   --Paula Poundstone

12

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just whipped out a quarter.   --Steven Wright

13

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

14

Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my wages.  Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive.  --David Henry

15

Wealth is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.  --Woody Allen

16

Money doesn't talk, it swears.  ‑‑Bob Dylan

17

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. --Christopher Marlowe

18

There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.  --E.C. McKenzie

19

I cannot be bought... but I can be rented.   --Don O'Shaughnessy

20

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad?  Treasure chests with no handles.  How the heck are you supposed to carry it?!  --Jack Handey