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I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. --Jack Handey
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One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. --Jack Handey
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I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks. --Jack Handey
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It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. --Jack Handey
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Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. --Jack Handey
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During a lunar eclipse, werewolves get stuck with just sideburns and a goatee. –Craig Kilborn
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One day Little Red Riding Hood, who although she wore red was not affiliated with any gang, was walking through the woods with a basket of goodies for her grandmother when she met a homeless wolf who had been abused as a cub. –John Wing
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If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? --Steven Wright
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