1

I think the most beautiful sunset I ever saw was on page 4 and 5 of The Book of Sunsets.  --Jack Handey

2

The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.   --Willie Tyler

3

I'm glad there's a big old hole in the ozone, 'cause you can get a tan in a split second. "Hey, I'm starting to bubble up like a bad paint job. I'm saving money on X-rays --I can see where I broke my arm as a kid."   --Joe Keyes

4

Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: a sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.  --Jack Handey

5

If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage.  They're just not ready.   --Jack Handey

6

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.  --Jack Handey

7

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.  --Jack Handey

8

When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all of our skin layers.  --Jack Handey

9

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.  --Jack Handey

10

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.  --Jack Handey

11

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.   --Jack Handey

12

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone?  That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.  --Jack Handey

13

As I felt the soft cool mud squish between my toes, I thought, Man, these are not very good shoes!  --Jack Handey

14

I didn't want to cut down that tree. But I had no choice. It was growing right where I'm going to build my house, if I can ever get enough money together to build it and if I also have enough money to buy the land. That's the other thing: I need to find out who owns that land.  --Jack Handey

15

At first I thought a good way to get people to dig you some flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your backyard. But here's the catch: They dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to.  --Jack Handey

16

As I stood there looking at the beautiful scenery, I wondered how many other people had stood there, and how many had candy corn "teeth" sticking between their lips like I did.  --Jack Handey

17

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.  --Jack Handey

18

Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.  --Jack Handey

19

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger.  He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story.  Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling this story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long."  But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.  --Jack Handey

20

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one.  I had to laugh.  Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.   --Jack Handey