1

I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.  --Terry Buresh

2

If God though that nudity was OK, we would have been born naked.   --Anthony E Smart

3

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."   --Jack Handey

4

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.  --Robert Orben

5

To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.

6

There are two types of people in this world: those who leave a mark, and others who just leave a stain.

7

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.  --Douglas Adams

8

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

9

Mrs. Lindsay: "You certainly look cool."
Yogi Berra: "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."

10

Whenever someone at work asks "Can you do me a favor?", I always reply with, "Does it involve a garden hose and a bag of walnuts?" I already learned my lesson on that one.  --Dan Thompson

11

Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.  --Yogi Berra

12

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting.  "That was fun," I said.  "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now."  "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back.  I didn't say it was an interesting story.  --Jack Handey

13

I worship the quicksand he walks in.  --Art Buchwald

14

I am firm.  You are obstinate.  He is a pigheaded fool.  --Katherine Whitehorn

15

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.  --Mariah Carey

16

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.  --G.W. Hegel

17

Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an I.Q. of 60.  --Gore Vidal

18

Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence.  --Wilhelm Bode

19

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"  --Emo Phillips

20

I thought I told you to wait in the car.  --Tallulah Bankhead - when greeted by a former admirer after many years