1
Whether you know what you're going to do or not, you're going to do it. --Jeff Roemhildt
2
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering -- and it's all over much too soon. --Woody Allen
3
We are here on earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know. --W.H. Auden
4
In a hundred years? All new people. --Anne Lamott
5
My motto is the same as my blood type: B Positive. --Cynthia Nelms
6
Man was predestined to have free will. --Hal Lee Luyah
7
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it. --Jane Wagner
8
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. --Emo Philips
9
Life! Can't live with it, can't live without it. --Cynthia Nelms
10
You've got to take the bitter with the sour. --Samuel Goldwyn
11
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy
12
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. -- Unknown
13
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. --Joe Walsh
14
If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going. —Prof. Irwin Corey
15
The Road to Enlightenment is Long and Difficult. Bring Snacks and a Book to read.
16
Things always look better when you can't see them. --Craig Bruce
17
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. --Bruce Graham
18
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. --Woody Allen
19
Just when you think you have hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
20
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
21
Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it.
22
I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. --Miss Alabama, in the 1994 Miss Universe contest, when asked if she would want to live forever
23
Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
24
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me. --Jack Handey
25
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest. --Mark Twain
26
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? --Will Rogers
27
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. --Sir Winston Churchill
28
The truth is more important than the facts. --Frank Lloyd Wright
29
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. --Oscar Wilde
30
We can't control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails.
31
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man. --Jack Handey
32
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
33
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. --Albert Einstein
34
I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people's minds, which would be cool, but to cut down on my cellular phone bill. --Paul Wiley
35
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road? --Jack Handey
36
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. --Jack Handey
37
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. --Jack Handey
38
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. --Jack Handey
39
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. –Mark Twain
40
I intend to live forever ‑ so far, so good.