1
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? --Groucho Marx
2
My good intentions are completely lethal. --Margaret Atwood
3
The optimist proclaims we life in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimists fears this is true. --James Cabel
4
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. --Jean Giraudoux
5
Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away. --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
6
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. --Marquis De La Grange
7
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. --Carl Zwanzig
8
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. --Winston Churchill
9
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. --John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
10
Even if it doesn't work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action. --Henry Miller
11
Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority. --Doctor Who
12
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. --Johnny Carson
13
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. --Lewis Grizzard
14
Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink. --Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
15
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. --Oscar Wilde
16
If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan horses will jump out. --Ernest Bevin
17
Everything should be made a simple as possible, but not simpler. --Albert Einstein
18
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. -- Andy Rooney
19
Where am I going? And why am I in this HANDBASKET?
20
"There are no coincidences in Stelmack's world." That's something a waitress said to me that I've never remembered. --Eric Stelmack
21
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
22
The early bird gets the worm. I’d rather sleep in and have toaster muffins. –Shirley Lipner
23
People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door. –Morey Amsterdam
24
I was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance. –Arj Barker
25
An optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees it as half empty. The realist sees it as totally full: half with water, half with air. –Vinny Badabing
26
When you tell people your troubles, half of them are not interested and the other half are glad to learn you are getting what you deserve.
27
I’m partially deaf, and Helen Keller is a hero of mine. Her example taught me to embrace life, to believe in myself, and to feel everybody up while I’m talking to them. –Daniel Liebert
28
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. –Catherine
29
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. --Lily Tomlin
30
I once wanted to save the world, now I just want to leave the room with some dignity. –Lotus Weinstock
31
"There are no coincidences in Stelmack's world." That's something a waitress said to me that I've never remembered. --Eric Stelmack
32
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
33
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. --Jack Handey
34
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. --Emo Phillips
35
Progress might have been right once, but it's gone on too long. --Ogden Nash
36
Where am I going? And why am I in this HANDBASKET?
37
If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan horses will jump out. --Ernest Bevin
38
A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. --David Brinkley
39
Trust your first impressions. It seems that thinking only confuses you.
40
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. -- Andy Rooney