1

Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute you're holding hands walking down the street --and the next minute you're lying on the floor crying and all the good CDs are missing.  --Kennedy Kasares

2

I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that.  --Garry Shandling

3

Dating is dumb. Basically you're making false judgments based on false exteriors. Oh, sure, my superficial self likes your superficial self, but the real me likes your roommate.  --Margot Black

4

I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.  --Wendy Liebman

5

My favorite kind of guys to go out with are guys from another country. I like foreign guys 'cause you can tell them anything. "Ahmed, it's customary in America that you pay my rent on the first date."  --Ellen Cleghorne

6

People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look any better.  --Margot Black

7

I'm still going on bad dates, when by now I should be in a bad marriage.  --Laura Kightlinger

8

I dated a younger man, but we had nothing in common. I asked him where he was when Elvis died. He was in amniotic fluid.  --Robin Roberts

9

Men date thin girls because they're too weak to argue and salads are cheap.  --Jennifer Fairbanks

10

My girlfriend is not a ball and chain --she's more of a spring-loaded trap. --Kevin Hench

11

I'm at a point where I want a man in my life --but not in my house. Just come in, attach the VCR, and get out.  --Joy Behar

12

I'd like to have a boyfriend in prison, so I could always know where he is.  --Carrie Snow

13

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.  --Stephen Bishop

14

When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.  --Charles Merrill Smith

15

I’m very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don’t look at other moms. I don’t go, “Ooooh, I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like.”  --Gary Shandling

16

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. –Bobby Kelton

17

If you ladies knew what we were really thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. –Larry Miller

18

I worked all of last night and had a cup of coffee with a certain lady friend we'll call "Sheniqua," even though her actual name is Nicole.  --Tom Gerding

19

Guys like to pay a lot of money to have women abuse them. That's why we date.  --Darin Murray

20

My girlfriend says I never listen. I think that's what she said.   --Drake Sather