1

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.     --Paula Poundstone

2

In the beginning there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light." There was still nothing, but everybody could see it a lot better.

3

There's a religious group that goes door-to-door selling cosmetics. They call themselves Jojoba's Witnesses.  --Jeannie Dietz

4

The New Testament is not new anymore; it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.  --George Carlin

5

There's only one big difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.  --Elayne Bosler

6

Most people past college age are not atheists. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.  --Mort Sahl

7

We were Catholic triplets. --Deb Varani, on the 3 children in her family, all born within 9 months of each other

8

Aw, come on, guy, my Sabbath is shot!   --Lance Bellman, upon hearing someone swear

9

We are here on earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know.  --W.H. Auden

10

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a big part in their lives.  --Erma Bombeck

11

If God is a Catholic, how come he only had one son?

12

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.  --Jack Handey

13

If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name?

14

They have a politically correct Bible now. They didn't want Jesus to be killed by Jews, an ethnic group, so he dies of secondhand smoke.  --Bill Maher

15

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, that dishonesty is the second-best policy.  --George Carlin

16

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.  --Jack Handey

17

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others.  I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.  --Jack Handey

18

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!  --Jack Handey

19

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven.  It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.   --Jack Handey

20

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.  --Jack Handey