1

Seen on the door to a light wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

2

For MAD scientists who keep brains in a jar, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.  --Jack Handey

3

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.  --George Gobel

4

Science has found the gene for shyness. Yeah, they would've found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple other genes.  --Jonathan Katz

5

Seen on Pavlov's door: "Knock. Don't ring bell."

6

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."  --Jack Handey

7

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.  
--Wernher Von Braun

8

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?    --Jack Handey

9

Invisible Systems, Inc. --If you don't see it, we made it.

10

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.  --Jack Handey

11

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

12

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research.  --Wilson Mizner

13

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones. --Mike Barfield

14

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.  --Russell Baker

15

Basic research is when I'm doing what I don't know what I'm doing.  --Wernher Von Braun

16

The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.  --Harlan Ellison

17

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.  --Jerome Lettvin

18

For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.  --H. L. Mencken

19

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.  --Steven Wright

20

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people."  --Tina Fey