1

Bus Lag: a low-level disorientation caused by riding on a bus. Almost impossible to detect.  --George Carlin

2

Rolls-Royce is selling its first totally new car in eighteen years. For $216,000. Sounds like a lot, but that does include the Grey Poupon.  --Jay Leno

3

One time we were driving through a construction zone and the sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us. We were through there in no time.  --Geechy Guy

4

I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five-mile zone, but I told 'em I had dyslexia.  --Spanky

5

I was traveling through Texas one hot summer when I got a flat tire. I pulled into a gas station and the attendant looks at my car and says, "You got a flat tire." I said, "No, the other three just swelled right up." Not missing a beat, he replied, "Yep, the heat will do that."  --Bill Engvall

6

I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless I'm making a left turn. Then I like it because that's how I know it's time to turn.  --Rita Rudner

7

My father would say things that make no sense, like "If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me."   --Louie Anderson

8

I'm afraid of planes --I don't trust the oxygen mask. The little orange cup --attached to that bag that's full of nothing. Maybe I'm cynical. I don't even think that it's an oxygen mask. I think it's more to just muffle the screams.  --Rita Rudner

9

The Concorde was great. It travels at twice the speed of sound. Which is fun except you can't hear the movie until two hours after you land.  --Howie Mandel

10

My best friend got a truck. But she didn't want to be trendy, so she got a UPS truck. Laugh, but she can park it anywhere. Worldwide.  --Wendy Liebman

11

The clock works but the gas gauge doesn't. That way you know what time it was when you ran out of gas.   --Keith Haessly

12

Man, you don't know what you're missing by not buying a moped. They're cheap, inexpensive, and built to stay that way.   --Red Wiles

13

You drive like a car thief!  Gunilla Roberg

14

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.  --Omni

15

The only thing harder to get rid of than a winter cold is a 1973 Ford Pinto. --Aileen Foster

16

A Journey of 1,000 miles begins with a call to your auto club. --M. Sallee

17

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.  --Anonymous Traffic Report

18

Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver. --Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

19

I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says "Draw Bridge Ahead" and I don't have a pencil.  --Lou Chiafullo

20

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.