1

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.  --Al Capone

2

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.  --Lily Tomlin

3

The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink.

4

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.  -‑ANDY ROONEY

5

You can't keep blaming yourself, Marge. Just blame yourself once and move on.  --Homer Simpson

6

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

7

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head".  Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air.  But think again.  Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"?  I'm afraid some people might actually think that.  --Jack Handey

8

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

9

She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech.  --George Barnard Shaw

10

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?  --John Mendosa

11

What's another word for thesaurus?  --Steven Wright

12

The only English words I saw in Japan were Sony and Mitsubishi.  --Bill Gullickson

13

Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name BZJXXLLWCP is pronounced Jackson.  --Mark Twain

14

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.  --Samuel Goldwyn

15

They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.  --Mark Twain

16

No, Groucho is not my real name. I'm breaking it in for a friend.  --Groucho Marx (Julius Marx)

17

Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad.  --Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper, 1994

18

A word to the wise does no good. It's the stupid people out there that need the help. --Bill Cosby

19

I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations all by myself and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.  -- Oscar Wilde

20

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.  --B.L. Taylor