1

I called a temp agency looking for work and they asked if I had any phone skills. I said, "I called you, didn't I?"   --Zach Galifianakis

2

I work for myself, which is fun. Except for when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.  --Rita Rudner

3

I hated the job, as noted, but they said I didn't have a "sense of urgency" with orders.  I didn't, of course, but they weren't supposed to know that.  --Tom Gerding

4

Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man."   --Jack Handey

5

He's a jackass of all trades.  --Deb Varani

6

If you're thirty years old and you're still wearing a paper hat to work, you've obviously made a poor career move.   --Mike Connett, Pizza Hut, Bellevue, Nebraska

7

Never hire an electrician whose eyebrows are scorched.   --Mason Wilder

8

I used to work at the International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.  --Paula Poundstone

9

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.  --Jack Handey

10

It's an unthankful job but I've got lots of bad Karma to burn off.   --Terry Buresh

11

The reward for a job well done is more work.

12

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.  --Robert Orben

13

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.  --Woody Allen

14

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.  --Erma Bombeck

15

The beatings will continue until the morale improves.   --Ron Thomson

16

When I went for my first job interview, I guess I was pretty confident, because I told the guy who was interviewing me he was fired. I didn't get the job, but that wasn't what bothered me. What bothered me was I found out a few months later that that guy was still working there. Hey, man, I fired you!  --Jack Handey

17

Is it something we can do?  Or you?  Mostly you?  --Elsie Marsh to Grandpa Bob, on repairing our sink  

18

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.  --Jack Handey

19

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

20

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.  --Sir Barnett Cocks