How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
Four years ago...no, it was yesterday.
Today I...No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.