JOKES -22
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True Story --Long Detour When I phoned my employee to find out why she hadn't come to the office, I expected to hear a sob story about how sick she was, blah, blah, blah. Instead, her excuse was pretty plausible. "When I was driving to work, I took a wrong turn," she explained. "And then I just decided to keep going." |
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True Story --Slow Diner It was a busy lunch hour, made longer by one of my customers who couldn't make up his mind about what to order. After loudly polling everyone at his table, he asked me, "What do you think I should have?" Before I could answer, an irritated man at the next table offered a suggestion: "How about a picnic?" |
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True Story --Fixer Upper I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn't understand why it was so cheap, until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling. Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: "Nice house," he said. "It's even self-cleaning." |
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True Story --Drawing Blood After I warned the nurse taking blood that it would be very hard to find a vein on me, she said, "Don't worry. We've seen worse. Last year we had a girl come in to get a blood test for her marriage license and we had to stick her six times in four places before we got anything." "Yes, I know," I said. "That was me!" |
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True Story --A Mouthful During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob." The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs." |
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True Story --Home Handyman My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall. "Honey!" he called excitedly. "Come see what I found!" I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet. |
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True Story --California Earthquakes When I moved to California, I was a nervous wreck about earthquakes. My friend Linda, who was born and raised there, was completely blasé. I remember once when we pulled up to a light, her Honda began to shake. She looked worried until I stammered, "I think that we're having an earthquake." "Thank goodness," Linda said. "I thought something was wrong with my car." |
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True Story --Dark Shadow My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture. "I don't know what you've brought in," she said, "but I can't seem to get this out." He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared. |
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True Story --Sharp Eyes As a salesman, I was searching for a certain company in unfamiliar territory. I came to a likely-looking road marked with a small red sign reading: Industrial Center. I was not certain that this was the right road, so I drove back to a gas station to inquire. The attendant took my arm and pointed to the sign that I had just read, now barely discernible in the distance. "See that little sign about three blocks away?" he asked. "You mean the red one that says industrial center?" I asked. "Man!" he exclaimed. "You've got eyes like an eagle!" |
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True Story --Bad Driver I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. "I feel terrible," the woman apologized when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot." "Please, don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance companies will take care of everything." "Thank you for your understanding," she said. "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out." |
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