To use Star Wars satellites to give everybody free HBO

To get to the bottom of this whole Bigfoot thing

At summit with Soviets, to try “pull my finger” trick on Gorbachev

To bomb France back to the Stone Age

To reveal during Inaugural address the whereabouts of Elvis

To bite head off rat at first press conference

To appease tobacco lobby by always having picture taken with cigarette in mouth

To bring more lightweight pretty-boys into the executive branch

To dispose of radioactive waste through the Home Shopping Network

To have our astronauts regularly “moon” Russia on every space shuttle mission